The Bigger Picture

Before I'm a writer, an artist, a mother, a friend or anything else, my spirituality comes first. I found that when I'm practicing my path to the fullest, I become better at being what I need to be for others. That said, this blog isn't about art; it isn't about writing- it's about the bigger picture of all of that.

I've had a few dreams over the last few months that were wholly spiritual in nature. Dreams of beautiful people covered in stars that give messages of love and wisdom. The first message of these dreams was, "Fear is a house unworthy of living in".
That message came during a time when I felt I was suffocating in fear. Fear of the jagged edge of poverty I constantly teeter on; fear of my daughter's impending separation as she approaches the end of her childhood and moves on toward adulthood; fear of not being good enough at anything I do or good enough for anyone in my life.
We all go through these cycles but I've been luckier than most. I normally have about five second rebound rate from those kinds of fears until this last time. Whatever negative energy I'd moved into, surrounded and engulfed me until I just wanted to hide from the world. It lasted weeks this time, rather than the usual few minutes. And then, one night, I laid down and went to sleep and I had the most beautiful dream. Like any dream, it morphed from one scene of a house and some friends into me standing in the darkness looking at the other half of myself; that spiritual twin that few realize they have. From that, it moved to me laying on my back in the ocean at night, staring up at the stars as they began to rearrange themselves into patterns that resembled human shape. The shapes took on definition and character until seven or eight of these star-made beings were looking down at me in that dark ocean from high above. The only thing that was said; and it was said in a collective voice rather than the voice of just one of those star people was the message that fear was a house unworthy of living in. That message stayed with me all the following day, echoing in my head. The next evening, I dreamed that I was being chased through the darkness by something I couldn't see. When finally, I'd run enough, I turned into that darkness, toward that unseen pursuer and repeated the message from the dream of the previous night. I woke up as soon as I said it; those fears I'd been experiencing completely gone.
Last night/ this morning, I had another dream about those same star-people. I can't remember any specific conversation or messages, I just know that where ever I was in that dream was beautiful and there was a profound sense of love and peace that came from spending time with those beings. I didn't want to wake up, but when I did, I carried that sense of peace; of love back with me into the waking world.
I get asked a lot what exactly my spirituality is and some people confuse the fact that I'm pagan in my practice with my actual spiritual beliefs. For me, they're two separate things that come together once in a while to make a better whole.
I "practice" witchcraft; specifically, the ancient celtic versions of it. You know, herbalism, charms to help a plant grow where normally it wouldn't, spells for clarity or vision, spells for healing and love for those that ask for it; etc. I do rituals to honor the God and Goddess, rituals for healing the earth, rituals to honor my ancestors...
Though belief in these things are important, it's not the very fabric of what I'd consider my "religion". My religion is Love, Tolerance and Compassion. Love to all things that are conscious, living beings; Tolerance for those living beings I don't understand and Compassion for those that I don't understand, don't agree with and can't seem to get my mind around. The platform that these three things stand on is a desire to see a unified race of humans who aren't concerned with color, orientation, or social status but rather the giving and the receiving of love from their fellow man that is ours by Divine right. It blends a little with my pagan practice when it comes to the "Harm None" law but even that is more of a universal law rather than a specific commandment of belief.
I sincerely believe we all came here with a Divine purpose and a Divine assignment; especially now in this day and time when the energies of the earth are changing along with the people in it. We are waking from a very long, very ignorant sleep in which we lived a nightmare of separatism and materialism. Where we allowed our jobs and our material needs to keep us from our families and work ourselves into an early grave so that we couldn't enjoy the very things we worked those 12 hour days for. We're waking up and systematically jumping off that hamster wheel of slavery to a broken system and paying more attention to the things that matter; those we love and even more, extending that love to those we don't even know, which is what we were put here to do all along.
We are not separate unless that is reality the masses wish to live. We are one race. Before color, before sexual orientation, before social status, we are human. This is where our focus needs to be and where it belongs. Bit by slow bit, we're waking up. It's a slow progress, but progress is being made everyday.
I learned a long time ago that love doesn't have to be a two way street and that I can love someone with all of my heart without them loving me back. It wasn't that I needed their love... it was that they needed mine.
I don't worry or get upset when I express my love to people and they don't reciprocate. I understand that maybe I'm not here to be the one that is loved but rather, perhaps I'm here to do the loving. To love someone enough that their acceptance of that love isn't mandatory on a physically conscious level. After all, their higher self and their soul knows what I'm about, so I don't need to try and wade through the ego and the indoctrinated belief systems in order to make them see why I love them and why I'd continue to love them even though they don't love me back.
Sometimes, people interpret my expressions of love in the wrong way; sometimes, they don't try interpret them at all but rather run from the idea that love on a soul level is a viable, sane expression and sometimes, they "get it" and the connections that form as a result are beautiful and long lasting.
I've learned to accept that whatever the reaction, it's THEIR reaction. My job is to just keep loving, no matter what. So I do, because THIS is my religion and your hearts (collectively) are my place of worship and I recognize the Divinity in you as surely as I would hope I would recognize any Divinity should it materialize in front of me. I worship humanity unapologetically. I revere it in all its complexities, beauty and militance.
I open my home and my heart to it regularly. I keep the door of my friendship wide open so that any human who wants to walk through it finds warmth and welcome waiting there.
I would gladly give my life for my species because in the end again, this body, its perfection and imperfection is just a dying bag of protein that has an expiration date, while the spirit that lives inside of it doesn't and will keep the scars of sitting idly by and doing nothing on it, forever.

So, this is what I believe. Specifically and without shame.

I honor myself by honoring you and for me, that's the best religion.

anyone could have.

We are "Indestructible"....

A few months ago, when I started this blog, I did it with the intention of keeping up with it. Time gets away from us and life takes hold and I've not written as much as I'd have liked to. I apologize for that. 

This blog post isn't about me, though. It's about Indestructible, a soon to be released Indie book about the world of self publishing. Indestructible is a series of complied essays by Indie publishers like myself who were lucky enough to be a part of the project headed by Indie publishing guru, Jessica Bell. Jessica had the idea to put Indestructible together to inspire, educate and motivate writers who may be holding out from taking the Indie plunge out of fear, or even writers like me, who might be a little lazy and need a fire lit under them. 

Indestructible has some formidable names attached to it. Up and coming YA author, Jadie Jones, whose debut novel, Moonlit knocked the socks of the YA genre; Jessica Bell, whose own works of creation are fun and interesting. I didn't know Jessica before the Indestructible project began but because of it, became a fan of not only her personal blog but her professional writing as well. 

Other authors like Leigh Talbert Moore, Alex J. Cavanaugh, Ciara Knight, just to name a few, were also a part of this project. Indestructible is sorta the who's who of Indie authors and I don't really include myself in that. Bimini the Romance does okay in sales. It's a good book. I not only wrote it, but I've read it; but like I said, I'm lazy and haven't marketed it nearly the way that I should have and in comparison to books like Moonlit and some of the other authors who were involved in Indestructible, I sorta feel like the swine among the pearls. Before I'd even worked on this project, I'd actually heard of and read a few of their novels and stories; some I've been following on Twitter for over a year. I can honestly say, I'm humbled to have my name show up along side theirs. 

I'd like to say to say that my ego loves the idea of this but that would be partially untrue. The real reason that I loved this project from the beginning was that one woman decided she would dispel the myths and the fears that other potential writers might have about the Indie avenue of publishing and encourage them to take the leap by sharing her own experiences with independent publishing, as well as the experiences of others like myself. 

Indie publishing has brought a lot of good writers to the forefront of the creative writing industry. In the old days, many writers, good writers at that, were turned down by publishing companies not because the story wasn't great but because it was possible that their sentence structure/grammar wasn't, or they didn't know how to properly sell themselves to a group of editors and publishers who had 500 other query letters and manuscripts to wade through and those editors and publishers couldn't afford the time, or didn't want to take the time to see the diamond in the rough, much less do the polishing necessary to make it shine. Indie publishing has made it possible for those authors to get their work not only read by the public but has given them an opportunity to really profit from it as well. Indie publishing has opened a lot of slammed doors for a lot of fantastic writers and for that, I'm grateful. Some of my favorite authors are independent writers.

So when I was asked if I wanted to participate, my answer was yes. Not just to have my name alongside those other authors, but because Indie publishing has given me back as much as I've put in it (for better or worse) and I wanted to take part in maybe inspiring another writer out there who might be intimidated and daunted by the idea of publishing their work, to simply go for it. 

I hope you'll read Indestructible when it releases on Sept. 16 and I hope that you'll find it useful. If not as a writer than as a reader and patron of Indie books so that you can fully understand the blood, sweat and tears that goes into our work in order for us to bring, you, our readers, a good quality story that entertains and enchants. 

To Jessica; Congratulations. It always makes me happy to see someone's hard work come to fruition. You worked your ass off on this and I'm proud to be a part of it. Thanks for putting up with my laziness with grace and kindness. I hope this is more successful than you could have ever dreamed. 

My Passion

I said at the beginning of my very first blog that eventually I'd get around to discussing the other things I do besides writing. The time has come.
I love writing and believe that I was born to do it because no one can have an imagination like mine and survive it without an outlet. Writing IS that outlet for me. When things get overwhelming or I just need a break from my reality; I write and in that writing, I can let my imagination go where ever it wants to. There are no boundaries, no rules and sometimes, no rhyme or reason. I write songs (though I never share these) poetry (I'll share that now and then) but mostly, I'll just write a story. Sometimes it's reflective of what I'm going through at the time and sometimes, it's purely a work of fiction or, as someone once told me, the lies my imagination yearns to tell but my guilty conscience won't allow it to.
As much as I love and take pleasure in writing; it's not my greatest passion. Nor is authoring a career path I'd like to be on. Yes, I enjoy seeing people buy Bimini the Romance and yes, I'm working on the sequel, but this isn't what I want to do with the rest of my life. Not even close.
First of all, if you know me- really know me, you know I'd never be satisfied just doing one thing. I'm not a fan of structure and I'm not a fan of rules or regulations. I march to my own beat. I always have and I'm happier that way. Nothing irritates me more when people assume they know the direction I'm going in. I don't even know where I'm going, I just know that I'm having a spectacular time on this journey and I don't see the point of plotting a destination when the detours my life takes have been so much fun. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. Nothing annoys me more.... except when they try to set my course FOR me.
My life is deliberately disorganized and deliberately chaotic because that's not only how I choose it to be, but that's also how I want it to be. There's beauty in this chaos that isn't found on that straight and narrow, neatly packaged, black and white road that some pick for themselves. Those lifestyles are okay, and I even admire those who live them, but it's not what I want for myself.
If I stayed too focused on one thing, I'd miss the other things that come my way as well. Where's the fun in that?
So today, I write... but tomorrow, I might paint; and the day after that, I might go into a cleaning frenzy and the day after that, I might go fishing and somewhere in that, I'll sit down at my piano and play for an hour or two or just stand at my kitchen counter and talk to my friends in person and online or I might throw myself into my latest job. I never know and I like moving in the direction that my spirit takes me.
But if you want to know what my greatest love is? Where my true passion lies?
It's in my spiritual growth. It's in my love for humanity. My greatest passion is life and all that encompasses it.
A happy soul is a healthy soul and while yeah, I do have my days like everyone else, for the most part, my life is a great big ball of bright, shiny beautiful and that's largely due in part to the spiritual work that I do on myself and others every day.
I see the world differently than most. Where someone might see a threat or a potential danger, I see a chance to learn something; to experience something... a chance to grow. I don't worry about being hurt in my interactions with other people because I do trust enough in the Universe (God, if you want to call it that), to believe that every person I interact with has a purpose in my life and I in theirs. From the neighbor next door, to the woman at the grocery store who cut her eyes at my holy (not religious holy, but seriously swiss cheese holy) shirt and braids with a look of disgust while I smiled back at her. She doesn't know that A. I'm wearing my favorite shirt that I can't bear to throw away or B. My straight, blonde, scraggily white girl hair doesn't allow for a lot of fashion savvy styles. C. I'm lazy... you can't get easier than braids and likely, I put on the first shirt that my hand came in contact with in the drawer that morning.
Where some people might be ashamed or angry for being treated that way, I appreciate her view and that view doesn't affect mine in the slightest.
I don't judge her for being on the hamster wheel society has laid out for us because I recognize that this is the life her soul chose. It's okay that she doesn't approve of the one that I chose for myself.
That said, I take great interest in those reactions and interactions. I compare and contrast the differences in our lives and the likely differences in the circumstances that surround both and I wonder what it would take for a woman like that to be genuinely, down in the gut, happy.
Because for each of us, our bliss comes in so many different shapes and sizes. She may have all the money she needs to live a very comfortable life full of most anything she wants, but is she truly happy? Is she fulfilled? Does her soul yearn for something more and she's just stuck going through the motions?
I don't have the answers, but the answers aren't where it's at. It's the questions these interactions bring up to me that make me learn the most; not just about them, but about myself as well.  I take those questions, and I turn them back on myself. Am I truly happy? Am I fulfilled? Does my soul yearn for something more and I'm just stuck going through the motions? If I'm honest with myself (sometimes it's not always easy to be) then my answers usually lead me in the direction of doing something about it.
I don't want to go through my life only seeing MY life and what's directly in front of me. I want to see everything and that includes the options I have that might take me down a path I'd never considered before. And I also refuse to live my life in fear of being hurt by others. Hearts are made to be broken and they're made to heal and love again.
So what am I passionate about? I'm passionate about living and not just existing. I'm passionate about being a participant in the world around me and those that live in it and not chaining myself down by being the perfect model of anything. I'm no role model, that's for sure, and I'm about as imperfect as a person gets, but that's what this life is about. Discovering our imperfections and the imperfections of others and loving ourselves and them anyway.

Full Circle

I really didn't have a picture to go with this particular blog so I decided to share one that I often use as "go-to" for visual relaxation. I rarely get to see the beach except in my mind, so when I visit that place in my head, this is what I see. 

When I decided that I was done working a typical 8-5 job, I swore I'd never work another office job. I know better than to say "never" but I did it anyway.
Last week, I started a new job. It's only part time and I have the most flexible boss and schedule on the planet, but it's an office and I have tasks to do, no matter how fun they might be to me.
Yesterday, it occurred to me that I was reliving the early days of Bimini, The Romance. I'm working two jobs... again.
The first one is for myself with three partners who also happen to be a few of my best friends and it's doing really, really well. We're getting new clients and sales are up.
This second job is in a field that's near and dear to my heart, Environmental/ Geological and it's also with a person that I've had a long term friendship with. Someone that I respect and enjoy being around. The work doesn't feel so much like work at either job but still, over the last two weeks, it's been a challenge to find time to write in between. That's more so my own fault than the fault of the jobs I have. I've come full circle with my work-a-holic tendencies. One job has never, ever been enough for me; even when I was in high school.
I'm the type of person who has a tendency to immerse herself in whatever I'm doing at whatever given point in time. I get easily tunnel-visioned, and while, no, I'm not the most ambitious person, I have my own brand of dedication to the things I decide that I want to succeed in. I never do anything half-assed and that's both a blessing and a curse.
If I decide I'm going to clean something, I'll do my best to make it sparkle.
If I start a painting, everything else goes on hold until it's finished; the dishes and laundry will pile up, the dogs will beg me to feed them, the plants will nearly die of neglect until that final stroke of the brush.
If I give my commitment to a person, I'll do my very best to move mountains to see it through, even if it puts me in a difficult decision in the end. I can't always guarantee fast results, but I can guarantee that I won't give up until the mission is completed and that it'll be done right when all is said and done.
I was always what my dad called a "roller-coaster" kid. When I wanted to do something, it was done to stellar perfection. When I didn't want to do something, I just wouldn't do it. A lot of the time this depended on the day and the attitude I woke up with. In my older age, it's a matter of my integrity to do even those things I might not want to do, to the best of my ability, even if it takes me longer to get motivated in the process.
That's sorta where I'm at with the sequel to Bimini. I want to write, but I honestly don't want to find the time to sit down and do it. I'm doing it anyway and I'm not half-assing it, but I have to be honest when I say that the excitement of my business doing well and the excitement of a new job is sorta taking priority right now with me and while that's a little worrisome because I definitely don't want to be consumed with something else for another five years, I also see the difference in my drive and determination these days versus those childhood or teenage years.

Take this blog for instance. I made a commitment to Jadie Jones and an associate of ours
The sequel is almost finished. Once the last words are down, the editing will come into play and that's another drawn out process, but it's been less than a year since I started this project so it looks as though we'll be sliding into home four years earlier than the last time I played this game.
While my business is a commitment to the three other women that I share ownership of it with as well as the clients that we take on; and my commitment to my new job is another facet of the commitment to my friendship with the person who hired me, finishing this sequel is a commitment I've made to myself and I'm firm believer in never letting myself down either. How you treat yourself is often times how you'll treat others and vice versa. So while I ask for patience from the fans of the first book, I also ask for patience with myself because though I'm not working on it diligently every day as I should be, it's still getting done and done it shall be.

What it takes

One of my best friends and soul sisters, Jadie Jones, just recently had her first novel published by WiDo   Publishing. For me, it was probably almost as exciting as when I published Bimini, The Romance; maybe even a little more so.
You want your friends to succeed. At least, I do. The way I look at life and view the world is that when the people we're close to do well, they elevate us and inspire us to do well also. Our successes and joys should always be cause for celebration and when "my" people are happy, so am I.
I was privileged to be able to read the first draft of Moonlit. When Jadie and I had first met three years ago and I'd told her I'd been struggling to finish my first book, she'd confided that she'd been working on one as well for quite some time and that she, like I had with mine, would work on it sporadically and then put it down for months at a time.
When she started working on it again, I hoped that she would finish it and she did. When I read it, I was completely blown away by the sheer force of her talent and her ability to draw the reader into a story... and this was just the rough draft.
I'm not particularly a fan of YA fiction, or I wasn't, but she changed my mind by engaging it in her story. That said, much as I love her wordsmithing and her imagination; it's been her sheer determination that has honestly impressed me more than anything.
I didn't have it easy with the writing of Bimini, The Romance. I worked two jobs, I'm a mom, and had various other things going on in my life at that time; but Jadie, wasn't just a mom... she was a BRAND NEW MOM and she didn't just work two jobs, she worked THREE. She's also a wife and a pretty damn awesome friend. I don't know how she found the time to pound that book out with everything that she was doing outside of writing, but she did.
A few months ago, Jadie, our other soul sister Ashley and I went to Kitty Hawk, NC on a research trip for Moonlit's sequel so I was able to witness first hand the enormous dedication she has to her craft. Long after Ashley and I had gone to bed, she sat up two of the three nights of our trip working until the wee morning hours on the rough draft for book two. During the day, even while we were sight seeing, she was gathering information. Her mind never wandered and she never became distracted from what she was there to do. As I drove part of the way home, she sat beside me in the front seat and typed the final few words of the sequel. Her shout of joy almost caused me to sideswipe the line of traffic in the other lanes, but it was worth the near heart attack to know that she'd completed what she'd set out to do when we left Georgia for North Carolina just a few days before and it will always be one of my favorite memories. Had it been me, I know that I wouldn't have done it. I'm too easily distracted; too easily thrown off course by the thought of a good time.
While she is working on the edits for the sequel now, the first book, Moonlit, is for sale and Jadie will have her launch party at Barnes & Noble this coming Thursday. I'll be there; nothing short of death would make me miss it and even under that circumstance, I would still do my best to find away to watch her come in to her own. She's going to be a best seller. I may not be the best writer in the world, but I am a pretty great reader and I know a good story when I read one.

Finding your Inspiration

All artists, writers and musicians lay claim to one particular thing that acts as a muse or an inspiration for them in their creative process. I'm certainly no different, though I maybe just a tad bi-polar in my approach to creativity.

I write.
I paint.
I draw.
I play music.

Each one of these things is inspired by something different. Some might think that my inspiration for writing comes from the work of other authors. That's untrue. While yes, I have authors that I admire and whose drive and dedication make me feel like a major procrastinator; Jean Auel being my top number one and new author, Jadie Jones for both personal and professional reasons, I don't really get my so called "creative" inspiration from them. Music is my muse and what inspires me to write creatively, specifically, an independent European band that I discovered years ago. Suzy's Field.
I found Suzy's Field's music after they'd changed their name to the OK's and I quickly became a fan of both bands, though there were more resources out there for the OK's music than SF. I identified with a lot with lead singer/songwriter Alan O'Keeffe's lyrics, especially the song "Grace" which talked about writing for the sake of trying to purge or release feelings of pain or regret (maybe that wasn't his intent when he penned the lyrics, I never asked, but that's what I took from them when I heard it), which I can definitely relate to because my grief over the loss of my brother in 1993 was what actually started me on my path to writing and eventually lead me to live his dream of having a career in journalism later on down the road.
I credit my brother's death for helping to me to find many of my talents and abilities because I desperately needed a benevolent way to process the emotions and pain I felt over his loss. Music was the first, writing came second and much later on, painting joined that mix.
But of all the creative muses I might have, "Grace" reminds me of why I started writing and when I'm blocked as I sometimes can get for weeks at at a time, I'll listen to that song, which I downloaded years ago and made back-up copies of so that I could be sure to never lose it and the blocks disappear. Because of that song, I can tap back into the emotions and that place inside myself that remembers what it was like to need that mental release of words on paper.
I was thrilled with the recent news that Alan, Paul and the rest of the gang were getting back together after all this time to produce a new album and I hope it's so successful that they'll be compelled to continue producing them in future. There's a simplistic, yet very complex quality to their music that inspires me in a way that no other music does. I had hoped when they gave hint about an announcement that it would be an OK's reunion, but this is just as good and it gives me an opportunity to listen and explore the SF side of the band.

Independent artists, and this includes writers as well, don't get nearly the credit they deserve for the blood, sweat and tears that they put into their product. We don't have agents that promote us or advertise for us. Most of the time lack of funds ensure that the only marketing we get is word of mouth and social networking done by our own hand or the hands of our fans. While it's never easy pushing your own product, there's a sweetness to every download, every "Like" and every "Follow" you receive that might be missed should you have the luxury of being more hands-off.
I look at SF's return to the music scene a little like I look at my return to writing after the long break I'd taken once I'd published Bimini, The Romance. If they can get it together and organize studio time between six people when they're living separately in three different countries, surely I can devote a little time every day to getting my own words down on paper to make sure this sequel isn't another five year project.
In return for the inspiration this band and its music gives me, I offer my gratitude to them and my wish of success and longevity for this reunion of theirs.

If you'd like to follow them on facebook, you can find them at https://www.facebook.com/suzysfield2013?fref=ts
Or to follow them on Twitter: @SuzysField

Falling in love with your character...

I think it's necessary when writing a story that you genuinely like your characters... even the bad guys. If you don't like the product of your creation, in my opinion, you might want to review why you've even created them. That said, I've found it doubly necessary since romance is my chosen genre of writing, that you must not only like your lead male, you need to love him as well.
If you're writing romance, the point should be that your readers understand and become as emotionally involved with your leading male as much as the leading female has to in order for it to be considered the least bit romantic.
In the first Bimini, The Romance, it took me awhile (and a lot of tweaks to the character) to fall in love with John but by the time I finished, I was as over the moon for him as Laurel was. He epitomized the stead-fast, ever conservative male who loved deeply but wasn't sure how to show it and so his methods in expressing that love left a lot to desired. He was a little repressed in a cute way and even a little up tight so that when we finally get a chance to see him let his proverbial hair down, not only is it endearing but it's sexy too.
While writing the sequel, falling in love with this new leading male has been instantaneous. He's so opposite end of the spectrum from John with his passion and his humor that almost before I had his character fully outlined, I was in love. He's a man I think most women would be attracted to. He's a mixed bag.... part bad boy, part wounded dove, part instinctual protector and caretaker. Where John was just a little out of his element, this new guy IS the element.
In my first blog on this site, I talked about patterning my characters off of people that I've known or know. I think it's important to note that even though you're patterning your characters after someone, it doesn't mean that they ARE that person. Your patterns should be just that... a pattern. You take certain parts from those people and sometimes, parts from others as well and you mix them and shape them into what your readers should see as a man they could easily become entangled with. So, where I had a little trouble in the beginning of the first book seeing myself with John, I've had no trouble emotionally entangling myself with this new character from the get-go. He's more my kinda guy, I guess. Easy on the eyes, good to the core and has a love of life that matches my own with a little bit of a hot temper that puts the right spin on his passionate nature.
Someone once told me that it's not good for writers to become emotionally involved with their characters because it makes the process of ending the book difficult or Heaven forbid, killing them off should a later story line call for that. "Emotional investment," they said, "is for the reader."
I don't remember who it was, but I do remember disagreeing then and I still disagree to this day. If you can't fall hopelessly in love with your characters as you're creating them, then how can you expect your readers to?