Thursday, May 16, 2013

My Passion

I said at the beginning of my very first blog that eventually I'd get around to discussing the other things I do besides writing. The time has come.
I love writing and believe that I was born to do it because no one can have an imagination like mine and survive it without an outlet. Writing IS that outlet for me. When things get overwhelming or I just need a break from my reality; I write and in that writing, I can let my imagination go where ever it wants to. There are no boundaries, no rules and sometimes, no rhyme or reason. I write songs (though I never share these) poetry (I'll share that now and then) but mostly, I'll just write a story. Sometimes it's reflective of what I'm going through at the time and sometimes, it's purely a work of fiction or, as someone once told me, the lies my imagination yearns to tell but my guilty conscience won't allow it to.
As much as I love and take pleasure in writing; it's not my greatest passion. Nor is authoring a career path I'd like to be on. Yes, I enjoy seeing people buy Bimini the Romance and yes, I'm working on the sequel, but this isn't what I want to do with the rest of my life. Not even close.
First of all, if you know me- really know me, you know I'd never be satisfied just doing one thing. I'm not a fan of structure and I'm not a fan of rules or regulations. I march to my own beat. I always have and I'm happier that way. Nothing irritates me more when people assume they know the direction I'm going in. I don't even know where I'm going, I just know that I'm having a spectacular time on this journey and I don't see the point of plotting a destination when the detours my life takes have been so much fun. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. Nothing annoys me more.... except when they try to set my course FOR me.
My life is deliberately disorganized and deliberately chaotic because that's not only how I choose it to be, but that's also how I want it to be. There's beauty in this chaos that isn't found on that straight and narrow, neatly packaged, black and white road that some pick for themselves. Those lifestyles are okay, and I even admire those who live them, but it's not what I want for myself.
If I stayed too focused on one thing, I'd miss the other things that come my way as well. Where's the fun in that?
So today, I write... but tomorrow, I might paint; and the day after that, I might go into a cleaning frenzy and the day after that, I might go fishing and somewhere in that, I'll sit down at my piano and play for an hour or two or just stand at my kitchen counter and talk to my friends in person and online or I might throw myself into my latest job. I never know and I like moving in the direction that my spirit takes me.
But if you want to know what my greatest love is? Where my true passion lies?
It's in my spiritual growth. It's in my love for humanity. My greatest passion is life and all that encompasses it.
A happy soul is a healthy soul and while yeah, I do have my days like everyone else, for the most part, my life is a great big ball of bright, shiny beautiful and that's largely due in part to the spiritual work that I do on myself and others every day.
I see the world differently than most. Where someone might see a threat or a potential danger, I see a chance to learn something; to experience something... a chance to grow. I don't worry about being hurt in my interactions with other people because I do trust enough in the Universe (God, if you want to call it that), to believe that every person I interact with has a purpose in my life and I in theirs. From the neighbor next door, to the woman at the grocery store who cut her eyes at my holy (not religious holy, but seriously swiss cheese holy) shirt and braids with a look of disgust while I smiled back at her. She doesn't know that A. I'm wearing my favorite shirt that I can't bear to throw away or B. My straight, blonde, scraggily white girl hair doesn't allow for a lot of fashion savvy styles. C. I'm lazy... you can't get easier than braids and likely, I put on the first shirt that my hand came in contact with in the drawer that morning.
Where some people might be ashamed or angry for being treated that way, I appreciate her view and that view doesn't affect mine in the slightest.
I don't judge her for being on the hamster wheel society has laid out for us because I recognize that this is the life her soul chose. It's okay that she doesn't approve of the one that I chose for myself.
That said, I take great interest in those reactions and interactions. I compare and contrast the differences in our lives and the likely differences in the circumstances that surround both and I wonder what it would take for a woman like that to be genuinely, down in the gut, happy.
Because for each of us, our bliss comes in so many different shapes and sizes. She may have all the money she needs to live a very comfortable life full of most anything she wants, but is she truly happy? Is she fulfilled? Does her soul yearn for something more and she's just stuck going through the motions?
I don't have the answers, but the answers aren't where it's at. It's the questions these interactions bring up to me that make me learn the most; not just about them, but about myself as well.  I take those questions, and I turn them back on myself. Am I truly happy? Am I fulfilled? Does my soul yearn for something more and I'm just stuck going through the motions? If I'm honest with myself (sometimes it's not always easy to be) then my answers usually lead me in the direction of doing something about it.
I don't want to go through my life only seeing MY life and what's directly in front of me. I want to see everything and that includes the options I have that might take me down a path I'd never considered before. And I also refuse to live my life in fear of being hurt by others. Hearts are made to be broken and they're made to heal and love again.
So what am I passionate about? I'm passionate about living and not just existing. I'm passionate about being a participant in the world around me and those that live in it and not chaining myself down by being the perfect model of anything. I'm no role model, that's for sure, and I'm about as imperfect as a person gets, but that's what this life is about. Discovering our imperfections and the imperfections of others and loving ourselves and them anyway.

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