When I started this Blog, I never bothered to really introduce myself since I figured for the most part, it would only be family and friends that would read it and there isn't a whole lot about me those two groups of people don't know. But, recently I've gained a little bit of a modest following. Nothing spectacular or that will get me paid, but enough to warrant a little bit of a introduction and explanation about who, what and why I am, as well as that question I get asked quite a bit... "What is it exactly that you do (for a living)?"
I'll address the first, first...
I turned 43 this past September and I'm okay with that. I figure it's the better than the alternative. I became a grandmother at 42, another event that I'm okay with because while some of my high school friends- who lamented that I got pregnant at 19 and was going "miss out on so much of my youth by tying myself down with a kid," i.e. college or partying, I guess... - are just now having children or have extremely young children... I'm getting to do pretty much what I want these days with the added bonus of not being half dead when my first grandchild was born. Just sayin'. Aside from that, I've done and still do on occasion, my fair share of hell raising. It's what I'm good at. Ask my mother.
Over the course of these 43 years, I've run the gamut of just about everything and anything. I've had shit ton of insecurities, which I guess are normal for everyone. Mine ranged/ranges from I wasn't born with great hair, great skin or a great metabolism. I'm pretty short, not even 5'0. I also wasn't born with many overt feminine qualities. I mean, I like pretty nails and getting pedicures and I do try somewhat to look like a chick outside of my deep and long abiding love for camouflage, the color black and a tendency to at times look like I'm homeless, but I like working on cars, hunting, fishing, and I'm not opposed to randomly cat-calling or saying inappropriate pick-up line to males or females alike just because I can. I used to work in a profession that required I attempt to look like I didn't just roll out of the alley way clutching a forty ounce bottle of Old English wrapped in a crinkled paper bag and act as though I was somewhat socially inclined. The day that I stopped working in the newspaper industry was the day I got rid of the majority of my "good" clothes and stopped putting on makeup just to go to the grocery store or talking to people I didn't particularly like. I like beer and I probably drink too much of it, but so far my liver's hanging in there doing all the things a good, healthy liver does, so I got that going for me... as well as a profound love for old school gangster rap and Ice Cube.
What am I?
I guess like most people, I'm a lot of things. A daughter, sister, wife, mother, grandmother, aunt, friend.... and those things define me to certain points, but are not entirely what comprises my personality or what made me who I've come to be.
I think our pasts do that, to some degree and mine's a bit shady because there were times in my life where I was a bit shady. I've done a lot of shit I'm not proud of. Sometimes I did what I did out anger or unhappiness... other times I did it because I have a natural talent for mischief that can sometimes get the better of me. For what it's worth, while I'm sorry (and have since apologized or tried to apologize to anyone I deliberately hurt) that I had a pretty good track record of fucking things up; I don't have a lot of regrets. Who I was 25 or so years ago isn't who I am today for which we should all be grateful but that old me was the best teacher I could have ever had. She taught me a lot. Like taking a breath before I lash out in anger. Or taking a really close look at myself before I decide I'm going to judge someone. She taught me that I'm not better than anyone else and that I choose every day what kind of day I'm going to have. She taught me to be grateful for what I have, okay with what I don't have, and to appreciate the people who loved me when I was at my most unloveable. She taught me the value of listening with compassion rather than listening with the intent to respond. She taught me to let go. Not only of anger, but of people or things that I can't change or situations I can't fix. She also taught me to love myself and how to better love others. I don't mourn the loss of the "old me" as some people do when they grow and change. I don't miss her but I do celebrate her because without her, I wouldn't be the me that I enjoy so much now.
Why am I?
That's a good question, too. When I say I've led a charmed life, I don't mean that my life has been easy. It hasn't. Sometimes that was my fault, other times it wasn't. More often than not, I put myself in life threatening situations because I was careless, cocky or just plain stupid. This happened a lot and the sheer number of near-deaths or brushes with death I've encountered would raise the hair on some of your heads. A few of those near-deaths have been exactly as they sound. Literal. But those are stories for another day. Suffice it to say that those experiences gifted me (later in life) with a sense of self-preservation that has served me well. I won't ride in a car with anyone who's been drinking. I don't mess with drugs of any kind and I don't go into a bad area at night without being armed. Life lessons....
I'm also careful about where I spend my time and energy because while drugs and dark city streets might be dangerous, putting your focus on people or things who suck the life out of you can be just as bad, if not worse. At least you know the potential for danger when it comes to heroin or a crack addict who thinks just because you're a small female alone at night you're an easy target. Those dangers are obvious. People who get close to you for ulterior motives aren't. I'm careful who I spend my time with these days or who I let use my time because if someone isn't a help, they're a hindrance and I've got enough trouble getting out of my own way. I don't need anyone else throwing up more roadblocks for me.
What I do...
That's sort of a complicated answer but yet so simple. I literally do what I want. I spent years on top of years working my ass off in newspaper, for a company that didn't care about your kid's birthday, Christmas Day opening presents, deaths in families or whatever. I worked easily 75 plus hours per week, made myself sick making sure I kept up with co-workers who were more educated than myself and chasing after stories against odds I couldn't compete with. When I finally quit, which was ten years past the time I was actually ready to, I decided I wouldn't kill myself for another corporation that saw me as a mindless cog in a wheel. I also decided I wouldn't spend another sunny, beautiful day staring out a window wishing I was doing anything but sitting at that desk, in front of that computer. I quit my job to focus on creative writing for the most part, but writing is only a fraction of what I do.
I know that most people have something in their head regarding what they want to "be" when they grow up. I never did. There were so many things I was interested in that I could never really pick one specific thing. Newspaper literally fell in my lap. I have always loved to write and on a whim, I applied to a local paper in a town I was moving to. I was hired based on the writing test they gave me. It wasn't until later on that it dawned on me, I took a job in an industry that my dead brother had been working towards getting a degree in before his life was cut short and that I stayed in that job primarily because I felt I owed it to him to live a dream he couldn't. During my time at the paper though (which wasn't all bad or pointless) I learned graphics design, composition, page layout and other various forms of desktop publishing. So, one of my "jobs" these days is doing freelance work putting together ads, newsletters, or designing logos. On the flip side of that, I'm a Reiki Master and licensed clergy. For the Reiki, I have a few loyal clients I work on here and there. With the clergy, sometimes I travel to perform weddings and sometimes it's something as simple as marrying a couple of middle aged people at a boat dock, who finally after 35 years of bad timing were able to merge their lives in a beautiful, emotional moment that still makes me weepy to think back on. Sometimes I get called in to bless a house or to hold the hand of a mother who is taking her little boy off of life support or a child saying a final goodbye to a parent. Sometimes it's letting a grieving mother scream in my face about the injustice of a God she so strongly believed in taking her daughter from her in a horrific way. I think my deep love of all types of religious study enables me to use my calling as a clergy person in ways that others can't because they've chosen one specific sect to belong to. I service everyone. Pagans, Christians, Agnostics, etc. I go where I'm needed and I adapt my approach based on those needs.
I also read tarot cards for a small clientele.
And then there's my books. I've written four so far, as you know if you've been reading these blogs. While it may seem like writing is a lesser part of my life because I chose to mention it last, nothing could be further from the truth. I don't spend as much time as I should writing, but the stories are always there in my head, waiting to be told. Though writing is one of my first and foremost passions, it also tends to be the area where I procrastinate the most. I'm still working on editing book number five, which should have already been released months ago. But I'm struggling because I feel like there's something missing in the story and if I, the writer, notice it, then I know the readers will too. I respect the hard earned money people spend on my books and because of that, I want to give them the best product I'm capable of producing. I know how disappointing it is to pay for a book and have it read like a fifth-grade creative fiction story (Before you think I'm knocking the burgeoning preteen author, I'm not. Some of those kids are really good writers but it's the ones who actually write like they're IN the fifth grade, who are my age, that are charging $3.99 for a book that you want to take a swing at. Kids are fine. Write on, little dudes). It's my goal when I turn out a book to at least give the reader something worth reading. Is it perfect? Hell no... but neither am I.
At the end of the day, whatever I do; whatever hat I take off, I want to know that I put my all in to it. I want to know that I not only pleased those who buy whatever product I'm selling but that I also pleased myself with the work that I've done.
As always, you can follow me on Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/caribbeandreaming/
Twitter: @LucyMagilicutt2
Amazon: Lori Ann Robinson
Or, you can just subscribe to this blog. <3
You are an amazing human being who needs no introduction or description. Awesome and creative, wonderful and mischievous....there are few like you in the world...
ReplyDeletePlease never stop being you!