I haven't been writing over the last few weeks because I've had some issues outside my immediate family. Not my issues, but issues that affect someone I love very much, therefore, affecting me. It's kinda hard to write a love story when you're watching someone else's fall apart.
As I've struggled over the past few days to wrap my brain around other people's behaviors, (remember, I study people as a hobby) I find that the deeper I delve into this, the more sick at heart I've become. For her. For any woman after her who falls for the game she's found herself an unwilling participant to.
I wish I could help. I wish I could make her understand that bad relationships and toxic people are a waste of time and effort. I wish I could make her see she deserves so much better than what she's signed herself up for. I wish I could give her the strength to hold her head up and walk away knowing she's making the right decision for herself and her children. But these are revelations she'll have to uncover on her own.
While I do believe that all human beings to some extent share some narcissistic as well as some sociopathic tendencies (we call them quirks), I also believe that the vast majority of us balance those things out with healthy, functional behavior, or even unhealthy, dysfunctional coping mechanisms for that matter, that keep us from preying on others who are just looking to live a normal existence as we ourselves are. In the words of the Mad Hatter, "We're all a little mad here." But there's a difference between a little bit of quirky, fun, ego-driven madness and a Sam's Club sized container of nuts.
Unfortunately, she fell for that bulk item and is getting drowned in his sea of crazy saltiness.
Normally, I try really hard not to judge anyone. I've done my own share of dirt. I am FAR from perfect. My moral compass does not point due North at all times. Because I know myself as well as I do, I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt before I decide (for myself, regardless of anyone else's opinion) if I want to associate with someone in any way, shape or form. Because like I said... there's fun crazy and then there's 'someday I'm going to seriously snap and cause everyone around me bodily harm' crazy. Sadly, I believe the person my family member loves falls into that second category and those people are the hardest ones in the world to love as well as to get over because their naturally charismatic aura keeps those red flags hidden until suddenly they're not. When that happens, you find yourself wearing your heart out on someone who will never appreciate or reciprocate your efforts and you're left wondering what's so wrong with you that they can't love you back.
A few things I've learned over my 42 years on this planet is...
1. You can't fix crazy
2. You can't make someone love you
and...
3. Sometimes, you can't help who you love.
I can't fault her for the times she's held out hope the man she loves is going to change because we always want to look for the best in those we give our hearts to. Especially when kids are involved. But I do wish she could see that she can't fix him. That he's the one who's unlovable, rather than her. And that this image she has of herself these days isn't a true one. It's one he's put in her head to keep her contained, compliant and afraid.
He's a predator. He's an expert at baiting and trapping. He doesn't care about the emotional condition or even the physical condition of those he leaves in his wake. She's beautiful. She's sweet. She's good hearted and she's kind. She's no match for him because likely he's been this way since he realized he could and has experience at building someone up just to tear them down. She doesn't see it because her brain isn't twisted like his. She doesn't understand that it makes him feel powerful to know he can inspire such abiding love in a woman before he destroys her life. He can cast her out and draw her back time and time again because he hooked her so well in the beginning so that all she wants is him. She can't see that he also thrives on her fear. Fear of him, of what he could do to her- physically, mentally, emotionally- and fear of what her future might be like without him, because if he's right (and she always wonders in the back of her mind if he is), then maybe the best she'll ever be able to do is him. But he's not right and she's so much more worthy of love than he.
She goes back time after time, not because she's stupid, either, but because he preys on her capacity to love and her's is deep, as well as wide when it comes to him. It's all forgiving and it's all consuming. He looks for that, exploits it and he devours it. He chips away at her soul in the meantime, letting her know she's not pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, good enough for a guy like him. He preys on every insecurity she has, knowing them well because he's lived with her long enough to see them all. He tells her she's weak and worthless without him. He accuses her and belittles her in front of their friends and family because his narcissistic tendencies need to feel the pity of others, to be seen as the victim in all of this madness. He needs them to see that his wife (in his opinion) fell short of what he expected her to be. Putting her "flaws" on display for all to see gives him the liberty to act out while feeling justified in his behavior through violent alcoholic rages, infidelities, and deprivation of things she might need as simple as food or diapers for their children. In his circle of family and friends, you'll find those who are staunch believers in what he says because he's that charming, that convincing. They believe what he says and they also take it upon themselves to criticize and beat down the woman he put on trial for them. You might read what I'm saying and think I'm doing the same thing on her behalf, but I'm not. I saw first-hand what he's like and I wish I could unsee it for the benefit of my own heart and mind.
He's a classic, textbook abuser. You know the kind... They're the ones who say, "Why do you make me hurt you?" before they commence to beating your ass. And what's bad about this, aside from the obvious, is he's already dragged her so far down in her self esteem and self worth that she begins to believe that backhand to the nose really was her fault. It becomes justified because after years of hearing every minute detail of who she is and how she is, being picked apart time and again, is it any wonder why he hits her? She wants to hurt herself too, because he's made her believe that she deserves pain. Self inflicted or otherwise.
I pray for her. Every night when I go to bed and every morning when I get up. I pray for her strength and for her to receive clarity. She's out and she's safe but the battle isn't over, Now comes the attorneys and the accusations and she's going to need every ounce of will power not to cave into his threats or the fear of a future without him. She's going to have to be strong not only for herself, but for her kids. I'm proud of her. I believe in her but more than that, I want her to believe in herself. I want her to honestly believe that while it might not feel like it right now, she's going to be OK.
